lonliness

Any alone time together is wasted. He isn't interested in me anymore and if he is, he doesn't try to show it.
It hurts, but there is nothing I can do. It seems when I say something about it he gets mad and we fight and then it just continues.
I don't feel pretty sometimes.
I feel boring. He would rather nap or watch family guy when we finally have time alone together.
It's lonely. He is so used to me he doesn't want anything from me.
It makes me feel used up sometimes because I have given him everything and now I have nothing new to offer. He shows no excitement towards me.
I'm busy just like he is. I'm tired too. But I try to show affection as much as I can. I'm afraid to try to be close with him.

I actually feel lonely right now.

Bend and Not Break

He had his surgery.

And I hated waching him being brought back to his room after.
He looked like he was in so much pain.

And he has been in a lot of pain ever since he got home. I couldn't even leave the house for two days just in case he needed something.
I just worry a lot.
I just want to make sure he has everything he needs.
I hate seeing him in pain and seeing him not being able to do anything. He hates that.

I just hope that I give him enough company when his friends aren't there.

Hm.

Perfect

Yesterday was one of the best days I have had this summer.
It was so simple.

And that is what made it so perfect.

We got breakfast.
Then we napped for like two hours. Haha.
He got a haircut, that needs a little fixing. =) That Darn lady was horrible.
We went shopping at the mall, and he was in Charlotte Russe with me for over an hour.
We spent a billion hours in Target trying to find him clothes but they were too big.
We got lost trying to find Walmart.
We got Subway. And I realized that I love Erbs and Gerbs way more.
He watched The Doors with me. Major brownie points. Though, I hated it, because someone who I have practically worshipped my whole life was really crule and messed up. =( I actually cried about it. I'm actually upset by it.
Then he drove me home.

And I went to bed happy(exept when I thought about Jim Morrison).

I didn't think about anything bad that was going on yesterday. Nothing bothered me.


All because of him.

^_^

Mistakes We Knew We Were Making

Things are going to be okay.
I believe that they are going to get much better.

All I want

Last night made me feel better about things.
We just hung out. watched a movie. and we didn't fight.. it was really nice.

But I know that he read what I wrote.

And now I feel like I hurt him by what I was feeling.
I want to make him happy so badly.

I just want him to be happy.

I feel like he doesn't think I love him.
When I love him more than anything.

If I can make him happy, then I will be happy.

The Wrong Girl

Well, last week was probably the worst part of summer.
But at least I had a good friend to help get me through.
But I hate myself.
Because I made things worse than they were already getting.
I really know how to put the cherry on top..



I want to feel the comfort and security of having a family..I think that family is something every person should have. The feeling of something familiar to go to everyday, something joyful and loving. I wanted it for so long it ached every part of me..and now I'm becoming numb.
When I come home to the Durfee's I see all this with them.
But I only observe it, because it is not mine.
But being there gives me the hope that maybe someday I can have it.
Maybe I won't always be so alone, trying to find a place where I feel a part of something...where I won't have to leave.
I've left every place I've ever been in my life...I just want some sort of comfort.
I envy people that have that. People that have something to go home to everyday, people to eat dinner with, watch tv with, siblings to hang out with or even fight with. It must all seem so simple to them. They don't know how lucky they are.
I don't even have a home let alone a family to go home to.

And my own mother who I haven't seen in months couldn't come to support me and just be there for me when I had court.
My aunt and my sister don't talk to me.
I can't talk to my youngest sister.
I'm afraid to talk to my dad...and he doesn't try to talk to me.
My friends... They are there for me, and they are great people,but they will never understand.

I think the person who gets me the most right now is Hanna. I talk to her about everything. She is like a sister to me, and she is the person right now who keeps me going. We have conversations about everything, and just get each other. And I'm really grateful for that. Plus I can be a goof around her.
And then there is Allie and Josh. I love them both. They are the people I always want to be around.
Megan is always going to be one of my best friends. And when she showed up at court for me, it meant the world to me. She is the person I can tell anything to, and we are such dorks around each other.

Kiefer and me just fight...and I need us to be okay. He was the only stable thing in my life. Everything used to be perfect and he would make everything seem okay. Now I don't have that either. I can't make him happy anymore. I just wish I could. I don't know what else I can give to him, when I've given him everything I have. At least I thought I had. He says he wants me to be the way I used to be...and it only makes me hurt more than I already do.. every time he says it, I feel like a worse person. Like I'm not good enough for him anymore. And I desperately want to feel good enough for him. But I'm not anymore.
He said I've given him everything but love.
And that killed me. Something in me just died when he said that to me. And I snapped..
I can't do anything right.

I want to feel butterflies in my stomach again...


I have nothing.
I'm completely alone.

And it's so sad to say that. To look at that and know it's the truth.
I need someone to tell me that I mean something in this world. That I'm not alone. That all of this will just stop.
I have so much sadness and anger building up inside of me because I can't stand the feeling of being so isolated anymore.
I need something to fall back on. And right now I don't have anything. Just a brick wall.

I need the feeling of love in my life.
I need it.


Am I selfish for that?...

My medicine isn't doing anything for me...
I have an appointment on Monday.


I just need this to stop. I need something. Just one day, when everything seems perfect.
Because when I fall I can't pick myself back up anymore. And the one person who could, he can't now. Because he can't pick himself up either.

And everything I feel or think, in the back of my mind, I'm wondering if I'm just being selfish.

I'm too full to swallow my pride

I haven't updated in over a month. I've been so busy, I guess I just kinda forgot about writing in this thing.
A lot has happened over this past month.
I've recovered from my surgery, thank God. Getting back up to the speed of things was really hard and stressful on me. I was really behind in all of my classes, and considering the fact that I'm taking too many, I thought I wouldn't be able to get my grades back up. I managed a 3.5 though.

Rebel Without a Cause is over. I'm really glad it was my first play. Rehearsals were a mess, but we really came through on the last week. I really got to know a lot of different people during the play, and a lot of my views on people changed. I gained a couple of really great friends. Too bad they're seniors and leaving this summer. Ha.

Though I've gained some friends, I've lost some of the best friends I've had throughout the years. And it hurts, but I'm starting to deal with the fact that I can't do anything about it. People move on, and become different people. You have to except it. No one is ever going to be the same.

I made Steppin Up for next year with Allie. I'm actually really excited. I have no idea what was going on in Overland's head, but i'll take it. I think Allie and me will have a blast. I'd take Steppin Up with Allie over Solid Gold any day. That way I don't have to deal with idiotic things and actually have fun. =) Plus, I can take an art class now too.

This weekend is Prom. And I'm really excited, for the most part. The way the school is having it at Spirit Mountain is ridiculous. But, I'm actually going with my boyfriend this year, and that's all I want. It will be a good prom to remember this time.

Things with me and Kiefer...
We love each other.
Though we have no time for each other.
And we take things out on each other because we are stressed and busy.
But we love each other.
I wish we shared more moments.
But like I said... we're both so busy.
I just need to know that this summer will be amazing. I need it, because last summer was horrible.
I need to know that we'll stop fighting. Because, I can't fight with him anymore.
It's hurting me more and more every time.

I just need him to show me that it will be okay. And that we will always be together, and be happy.
If something is wrong with us, then everything else feels like it's tumbling. And then who will we have to catch each other?
It will all be okay.

I need school to be done.
I need an entire day without anything in my way.
I want a perfect day. I know perfect doesn't exist, but I want a day that in my eyes seems perfect.

I'm going to Vegas this summer for speech. And I'm SO excited for it. I know it's going to be such a fun experience. And I'll be hanging with Hana. This girl is amazing. I've never had such deep talks with a friend. We completely get each other. I think of her as a little sister.
I just need to get some money for this trip!

I'm working at fashion bug now. Kacie got me the job, and I feel so lucky. Someone like me is not meant to work at McDonalds. I'm trying to get in as many hours as I can without going overboard.

Taryn..my little sis will be here in just one more month. She way she randomly calls me worries me though. She sounds so sad.. I feel like she still thinks I abandoned her. I can't wait to throw her her sweet sixteen when she comes home. She'll finally be getting out of that dump.

I got to see Rylee for the first time in three months. I was so happy that she was able to go to the play and stay over. She's such a little smarty pants. It's sad that I'm not really going to be able to watch her grow up anymore though.

Theme concert next week.. ha. I wonder how the dance after will be.


Gosh...
two years next month...
wow.
That is pretty amazing.
That is more than amazing for me. Everything that we've gone through to get to this point..

=)

I'm just gonna end this on a happy thought. Cause that makes me feel pretty happy.

The Luckiest

I am the luckiest girl in the entire world.

Why am I the luckiest girl in the world?

I am the luckiest girl in the world, because I have a boyfriend who would do anything for me... like sit right next to me in a hospital for two days when needing to get my appendix removed and skin cut out of my stomach that's strangling my intestines.
I'm the luckiest girl in the world, because he is the one who made me go in the first place, even though I was being a stubborn drama queen because I hate hospitals. Even though I act like I would rather die before actually entering a hospital.
He was the one who wheeled me in(and almost crashed me into a wall)
He was right there when I was feeling the most horrible pain I have ever felt in my life - while I was screaming and crying for five hours.
He was there when I was acting like a crazy person from the pain killers.
He was there after surgery.
He was there when I woke up the next morning.
He was there to help me get through the disgusting hospital food that looked like orange puke.
And he's been here at home helping me.
not caring that I'm not showered and gross.
Helping me walk around.
Just being so nice to me.

Of course, I would be the exact same way. =)

Why am I the Luckiest girl in the world?

I am the luckiest girl in the world because I have Cindy and my Aunt Dawn.
Cindy makes me soup throughout the day and always checks up on me when I'm sleeping.
My Aunt has been calling to see how I'm doing.

Why am I the luckiest girl in the world?

I am the luckiest girl in the world because I have such amazing friends.

I Gotta Have You

My grades are good for my report card. I get to go on the NFL trip. I got a part in the spring play. I'm getting a job soon. I have my friends again.
But if things aren't right for Kiefer and me, none of it matters. Because he is what means the most to me. Because I love him. And I want to be with him forever.
I hope our talk last night helps all of this. I know neither of us want to keep doing it.
I need it to be fixed.
We rarely have time for each other.
I miss that feeling of when I finally got to see him. How we were the only two people in the world, and nothing else mattered. Everything felt amazing and passionate... and I would just feel so grateful.
I had that feeling last night.I want to be able to have that sometimes. I remember when we could just lay for the longest time holding each other, staring in each other's eyes, and just kiss. That's all we needed.
I want us to be happy to see each other. I don't want us to take things out on each other. I don't want us to be mean for no reason....I want us to do cute little things for each other. say cute little things. Put each other in good moods. Just love each other without always worrying about everything else.
I don't think that because we live together it all has to be different. We have to stop making it different.
And I need to say what is on my mind, when I'm thinking it, or when something is happening. And after today.. I really know that now.
I made a stupid mistake, and I'm sorry. I know it was wrong, but I'm worried about my health, and was just thinking about every possibility, and they all scared me. I feel so drained when I'm always getting sick. The pain in my stomach feels like someone is ripping at my guts.
I just want it to go away.
I know he doesn't mean to hurt me. And I don't mean to hurt him.
He tells me it will all be ok. So, I believe him.
And after last night and today, I really feel it will be.

When Your Mind's Made Up

I feel happy.
I feel like everything will be fine. I know everything will be fine.
I love not worrying about things. It feels nice.

I wish it was summer. I feel like laying out in the sun or going to the beach or picking flowers.
But I live in Duluth, so that's not happening for a while.

Comfortably Numb

We talked yesterday about all of our bickering lately. We seem to have figured it out which makes me feel a lot better...but..I just wonder if it'll keep happening anyway. I don't want to fight anymore. When we do it it's about nothing that even matters. We take things out on each other.
I feel like maybe I just need to give him more space. I know he's not used to me always being around.And the same goes for me. I don't want to ruin anything. I don't want to smother him.

I think it's weird how you can be apart from somebody for so long, always thinking about them, wishing you were with them, and when you get it...you don't know how to manage it.
But, we talked. It's getting fixed.
There's nowhere else that I want to be but here with him. And I wish that he didn't question that.
I love him. And I'm happiest when I'm with him. I just need to learn how to live in the same house with him...I mean, that's a really big step..especially for two seventeen year olds. But if anyone can do it, it's him and me. We're just used to our own space. Now all of a sudden we have to share it.
And we say how we want to go back to the way we used to be. The perfect cutsie couple. Maybe we can't get all the way back to that because of everything that we've been through together. But I know we can get close. We just have to appreciate each other more and know how much we mean to one another. Stop being impatient. We've always been the opposite when we've had problems.


I find myself thinking less of my sisters. I don't know if that's good or bad. I know they can take care of themselves, so I've stopped constantly worrying. But I miss them. I haven't seen Rylee since I left and I haven't seen Taryn since couples. The less I see them...the less I think about them. It's not that I'm forgetting them, it's just that, they're not here. Maybe being less attached is better for me. I don't feel as guilty.

I also find myself thinking less of my mom. I know for a fact that's better for me. The fact that she never calls used to really bother me, but now I don't mind. I fee like I'm finally growing out and away from her. I don't have to be the adult dealing with her problems and crap with Kevin. It wasn't good for me. And I feel better. I feel content about it. I think it's good for me.

I just hope I'm not becoming selfish.

I feel like I'm becoming more mean and I want that to stop. I know I'm not a mean person. I feel like I get frustrated more easily these days..but I know it's because I'm trying to sort out years of ...what?..heartache? I guess I could put it that way. Now that I'm away from everything that I've ever had to deal with I can think it all through and get it sorted in my mind...but it's harder than I thought it would be. I'm just trying to let things go. Not forget them, because that makes me bottle things up that eventually explode...but just accepting and letting it go.
Another thing that will be good for me.
But again..when I try to focus in on myself, what I'm feeling, or what I need...I start to feel selfish.


It's mine and Kiefer's 20th month today.
I love him.

I believe in clean breaks, I keep the old troubles away

New Blog....I didn't see the point in starting to write in my old one, considering there's only one post on it from six months ago. Too much has happened to explain on it, and I don't want to take the time to write it all. I just want to start clean on a new one.

Because I'm back home in Duluth.
I'm going to Denfeld.
I have my friends.
And I'm with Kiefer.
That's all I care about right now.