The Wrong Girl

Well, last week was probably the worst part of summer.
But at least I had a good friend to help get me through.
But I hate myself.
Because I made things worse than they were already getting.
I really know how to put the cherry on top..



I want to feel the comfort and security of having a family..I think that family is something every person should have. The feeling of something familiar to go to everyday, something joyful and loving. I wanted it for so long it ached every part of me..and now I'm becoming numb.
When I come home to the Durfee's I see all this with them.
But I only observe it, because it is not mine.
But being there gives me the hope that maybe someday I can have it.
Maybe I won't always be so alone, trying to find a place where I feel a part of something...where I won't have to leave.
I've left every place I've ever been in my life...I just want some sort of comfort.
I envy people that have that. People that have something to go home to everyday, people to eat dinner with, watch tv with, siblings to hang out with or even fight with. It must all seem so simple to them. They don't know how lucky they are.
I don't even have a home let alone a family to go home to.

And my own mother who I haven't seen in months couldn't come to support me and just be there for me when I had court.
My aunt and my sister don't talk to me.
I can't talk to my youngest sister.
I'm afraid to talk to my dad...and he doesn't try to talk to me.
My friends... They are there for me, and they are great people,but they will never understand.

I think the person who gets me the most right now is Hanna. I talk to her about everything. She is like a sister to me, and she is the person right now who keeps me going. We have conversations about everything, and just get each other. And I'm really grateful for that. Plus I can be a goof around her.
And then there is Allie and Josh. I love them both. They are the people I always want to be around.
Megan is always going to be one of my best friends. And when she showed up at court for me, it meant the world to me. She is the person I can tell anything to, and we are such dorks around each other.

Kiefer and me just fight...and I need us to be okay. He was the only stable thing in my life. Everything used to be perfect and he would make everything seem okay. Now I don't have that either. I can't make him happy anymore. I just wish I could. I don't know what else I can give to him, when I've given him everything I have. At least I thought I had. He says he wants me to be the way I used to be...and it only makes me hurt more than I already do.. every time he says it, I feel like a worse person. Like I'm not good enough for him anymore. And I desperately want to feel good enough for him. But I'm not anymore.
He said I've given him everything but love.
And that killed me. Something in me just died when he said that to me. And I snapped..
I can't do anything right.

I want to feel butterflies in my stomach again...


I have nothing.
I'm completely alone.

And it's so sad to say that. To look at that and know it's the truth.
I need someone to tell me that I mean something in this world. That I'm not alone. That all of this will just stop.
I have so much sadness and anger building up inside of me because I can't stand the feeling of being so isolated anymore.
I need something to fall back on. And right now I don't have anything. Just a brick wall.

I need the feeling of love in my life.
I need it.


Am I selfish for that?...

My medicine isn't doing anything for me...
I have an appointment on Monday.


I just need this to stop. I need something. Just one day, when everything seems perfect.
Because when I fall I can't pick myself back up anymore. And the one person who could, he can't now. Because he can't pick himself up either.

And everything I feel or think, in the back of my mind, I'm wondering if I'm just being selfish.